I think the title of this one speaks for itself so let’s jump right on in (keep in mind we’re talking small-ish here; think the sad, very attainable dreams of a girl who’s been living paycheck to paycheck forfuckingever):
1) I would run the dishwasher all the time, whenever the fuck I felt like it. Sometimes it would only have like three dishes in it thrown in all haphazard and disinterestedly. But I’d want to use one of them so guess what? I’d just throw a 3-in-1 dish tab in there and BAM! 45 minutes later I’d be eating expensive fucking food out of my favorite bowl. Cause I’m fucking rich.
2) I’d turn UP and/or ON the heat. Like around now. I know it’s not that cold out but sometimes I’m chilly and you know what makes you not fucking chilly? Utilizing the central heating system that is in place throughout your house and not waiting until you are literally sitting around in a Scuba Hoodie with the hood up complaining about how your fingers and the tip of your nose are cold.
3) Goddamn skin care. I would spend lots and lots of money on skin care. Specifically at Kiehl’s and Aveda. Do I really need a light misting spray for my face post workouts? You bet I fucking do. And sometimes you just really need to pay another woman to smear good smelling shit all over your face while you lay there not worrying about how much it costs or the mess you’re making by doing it yourself.
4) Buy really phenomenal wine. We’re talking Sancerre everydamnday. You know how people (me) like to say “I get the worst hangovers from cheap wine!” or “I felt like shit the morning after drinking 14 gallons of Trader Joes two-buck-chuck.” Um, that’s cause it’s fucking true. I mean I’m no doctor but in my new wealthy wine land I’d never spend under $13 for a bottle again. (Yes, I realize I’m not really aiming THAT high here. But ya’ know.)
5) Spend a lot of money on fitness. Cause right now I’m spending exactly $0.00 each month and I feel like I look pretty great. So only imagine if that shit was dialed in and unlimited. I’d be the hottest woman on the planet. Screw you Daphne Zuniga.
6) I’d get some really really really really really really fucking good sheets. Like 12 billion thread count and I’d pay someone to change them every other day. Probably the same poor fucker I pay to make my bed everyday. Because, despite the epic amount of money I spend on personal training and pilates sessions, now that I’m rich I’m also real goddamn lazy and apparently sleep in a princess bed.
7) I would eat sushi almost everyday. I say almost because there will be a few nights a year when I give my personal sushi chef the night off. Probably, let’s see…..Thanksgiving (I’m usually out of town anyway), maybe Christmas, MAYBE, and the 4th of July for sure. I hear it’s big in Japan.
8) Still not have children. Cause you know the fastest way to get un-wealthy real fast? By having fucking children. They require food, housing, care, clothes, love and some of those things cost money. The others cost energy. Valuable, valuable energy that I could put into real focused naps with the dog.
9) The last, but perhaps most important, thing I would do: pay someone to clean my goddamn house. Oh I pity that poor fucker. Cause I’m fucking messy. But since I’m now independently wealthy and no longer need to worry about things like the cost of new tires for my car or health insurance and I clearly sleep soundly through the night in my ridiculous bedding it’s time to take this off my plate as well. Cause you know what’s worse than cleaning? Being fucking poor and unmotivated to clean. Or even being moderately comfortable and having to clean. Good god, I’m so over that shit.
