I think we’re all ready to take a few moments and acknowledge the especially important things in life for which we are so thankful. Shall we?

What exactly are YOU thankful for?

ME? Well shit. I’m thankful for so many things. To start, firefighters. I am very very very thankful for firefighters. Not only do they save lives but they’re real goddamn hotties. I am also thankful for almonds (sorry, California), Bill Murray, great boots, white wine, the internet, how pretty I am, gluten free soy sauce, swearing, zero interest balance transfers, hummus, Converse, the fact that no one has ever pointed a gun at me and that Starbucks carries a slightly sweetened soy milk because that unsweetened shit tastes like fucking paper. Ick. Other than that I’m also thankful for Netflix and Hulu and for the myriad of amazingly awful medical dramas that were produced in the late 90s and early 2000s.

That’s a lot of things but they’re all quite shallow. 

Fuck yeah they are. Have you met me? This is my thanksfuckinggiving, I’ll be thankful for shallow shit if I want to be. You weren’t expecting I’d be all “Oh, I’m thankful for rainbows and butterflies and babies with soft skin and puppies and family” were you? Cause no.

Okay then, perhaps a better question should be: What AREN’T you thankful for?

Wellllll shiiiiittt. Now we’re talking. Firstly I’m not thankful for that shitty little stepson who I loved and supported for years but then shit on our family because of our very strict “no weed….in the house” rule. In fact I hope no one passes you the gravy this year, kid, and you have to eat your turkey all fucking dry and bland. I’m also not thankful for having to clean the kitchen, especially the old hard water stains around the sink that will never fucking go away. Not to mention fur. I am not thankful for fucking fur. Yes, I like having pets but if they could just keep their fucking fur ON THEIR BODIES that would be great. I’m not thankful for the fact that every year that I age I gain about a fucking cup size because my body really wants me to have a baby even though I think babies are disgusting poop machines that just grow up to be hurtful assholes.  I’m not thankful for the dizzyingly loathsome sluttiness that is Twitter or fucking pop up ads on websites. I’m also really not into that weird mail carrier we currently have who walks really really slowly past our picture window, staring in the whole time or for our new neighbors who have an inability to close their own garage door and who scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream at their fucking kids day in and day out.

Are you done yet?

Fuck no. I’m really not thankful for snow or vacuuming or having to charge electronics or when people try to get me to go camping even though I’ve said a billion times that camping is the worst and I don’t want to shit in the woods or when you get one of those shitty carts with one fucked up wheel and have to push it around for 20 minutes or being asked to use a coaster or the words “furbabies” and “chillaxin'” or for when you bite into a piece of chicken and it’s kind of rubbery and weird and it puts you off from chicken for months.

I mean just to name a few.

That seems more like a list of oddly specific things that just annoy you.

YOU ASKED.

But what I am thankful for is that you are all reading my blog. No, really. Thank you for reading. I hope you all get a second helping of delicious non-lumpy fucking gravy today so you’re not stuck eating a naked dried up piece of dead bird. And I hope no one points a gun at you. Just to keep things in perspective. Happy Thanksfuckinggiving!