You know what’s really great? Not sharing.
“Can I have some?” NO.
“Can I borrow that?” NO.
“Can I have some?” STILL NO.
“Why not?” BECAUSE I SAID SO. Also, do you have any idea how annoying you are?
Welcome to the brain of an only child.
Most of you at this point have stopped reading because you think all us only kids are arrogant, spoiled introverts.
GO ON.
Probably because it’s true to some degree. But what the rest of the world thinks of as smug and selfish is really just self-sufficient, independent highly functioning units of amazing. We are wise beyond our years because we view our parents and our parents’ friends as our peers starting at a very young age. We also tend to have interests that are age-ly odd if not completely inappropriate. For instance my favorite movie as a kid was “The Golden Child” starring Eddie Murphy.
What do you mean you’ve never heard of it? It’s clear that you were not a chubby only child in 1987. Go get yourself a VHS copy, plop yourself down in front of the toploader and enjoy. But don’t forget to rewind goddammit.
Only kids are also generally quite good at entertaining themselves. Oftentimes this carries over into adult life as well.
Because really we can’t tell the difference between being a child and being an adult since we were adults to some degree at a very young age. We also become overly accustomed to the comment “You’re weird…in a good way!” What the fuck does that even mean? Not requiring constant attention from my friends and enjoying some alone time does not make me weird. There are plenty of other things that put me into that category.
The sharing thing (or not sharing preferably) is huge though. It’s not that we never learned to share, it’s that we’ve seen the light…or the dark…depending if you’re a glass half empty or full kind of person (and if you’re the latter then good for fucking you but shut up about it). We know that sharing is a luxury — for the other person. It’s not a necessity. This isn’t the zombie fucking apocalypse and I have the last Blow Pop on earth so no, you cannot have the gum in the center. Also, gross.
Below is a list of items that are particularly amazing not to share:
- Toys
- Food (candy and chips in particular)
- Boyfriends/husbands
- Girlfriends/wives
- Beds
- Household goods like food processors (it’ll either come back to you dirty or broken)
- Feelings
- Clothes (especially sweaters and jeans)
- Books
- CD’s (cause this is 1998)
- Money (you’ll never get it back)
- Tools (who am I kidding, I don’t have any tools but I did once borrow a drill and just barely returned it like 8 years later in some amount of disrepair)
What if I already have a bunch of kids but after reading this want to get rid of some of mine?
What kind of blog do you think this is? That said, I’d start by filling the bathtub.
I’m young and fertile and thinking about having a kid but I’m not sure I want more than one. What should I do?
A few things:
1) Stop asking me for advice. I’m not a mother but I have assisted in raising one terrible child.
2) Get your hormones under control already. You sound like a nutjob.
3) If you’re worried about your hypothetical only child being lonely STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY. We are fine. More than fine. In fact we like to be left alone. WOULD YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ALREADY?
Seriously, though. Don’t let society’s view on it stop you from having an only child. If we all listened to social stereotypes there wouldn’t be any crazy cat ladies filling their houses with cats and cat-related chotskies, litter boxes, poorly printed oversized sweatshirts with creepy kitties in baskets on them, and ball after ball after ball of yarn and I think we can all agree crazy cat ladies play an integral part in society.
As only kids we cook for ourselves, we take care of ourselves, we sleep soundly alone and for the most part we find your neediness angering.
Wow, thanks for your thoughtful insight.
I’m sorry, what? Did you need something? I was busy ignoring you.
Cause guys. Sharing sucks.
