Everyone is fucking lazy. Creatively speaking here. Form a fucking opinion? UGH, whyyyy? Can’t someone else do it for me? It’s the Science of Same: People like things that other people like.

Let’s take a look at those goddamn Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Stieg Larsssssson books. They weren’t even good. I repeat: they were not good books. Everyone was just enthralled by the idea of slumming with a broken baby bird vigilante chick who happens to have visited some alley tattoo shop, likely after a fight with her douchebag legal guardian (yes, I read it).

But Christ those books are garbage. Bring on the hate mail, nothing new to me. Nonetheless people like them. And let me real quick explain to you why: People, as a whole, cannot for the love of fucking god have their own thoughts. It’s the Science of Same.

“Oh my god I love oysters!” MMMMKAY. I’m calling bullshit on that one. “Seriously, oysters in a citrus relish reduction! So delicious!” This is clearly actually the opinion of some elitist asshole you matched with on Bumble and are now trying to impress.

And please, do not even get me started on pears.

“OMG! I love PEARS! Everyone loves pears!” Really? Really? REALLY? Cause only like 18% of pears actually taste good. The rest are a garbage mealy dirt fruit. Ish. You’re really willing to go against those well-proven statistics to love what your BFF does?

SAMSIES!

I think for safety’s sake we should all take a step back and remember the age old mom-saying “If Johnny jumped off a bridge would you jump too?”

Fuck no. In fact, fuck Johnny. That water is cold as hell and I’m not mentally ill. It’s not my fault he’s got a fucked up family. Jesus, I’m not crazy. But let’s take a closer look at Johnny for a minute, pre-bridge jumping. He’s clearly got some kind of charisma that leads your mom to think you’d follow him on a suicide jump. What is it?

Say Johnny was like “You gotta read this book! It’s about some broad with a big ass dragon tattoo!” And I was all “fuck yeah! Sounds hot! What do other people think?” Johnny’d then be all “Everyone loves the book! EVERYFUCKINGBODY! I’m the coolest motherfucker for recommending it!”

So then everyone loves the book and loves pre-dead Johnny. Then when Johnny dies said piece of garbage novel becomes the read of the fucking century and Johnny’s a goddamn troubled hero for telling you about it. Never mind the fact that he only read half of the first chapter before tossing it aside and saying “fuck it, I’m going to the bridge.” I mean what kind of credibility is that?

SAMSIES!

Then there’s Taco Bell. Taco Fucking Bell. Have you eaten there? No? Well, congratulations, cause it’s fucking gross. Do you think a bunch of like-minded food critics got together and were like “This shit is bomb! The Gordita Supreme is a masterpiece!” No. No they did not. One food critic accidentally set foot in a Taco Bell one time looking for directions and left Chalupa-free, knowing he’d have a long diarrhea laden drive ahead of him.

So why’s Taco Bell so successful? Because the Science of Same. People like things that other people like. And why do they do that? Cause people are fucking lazy. Make rice? Can’t we just go to Leann Chin? Taco Bell’s success is based off 4:20 shouting super high teenagers in the early 90’s.

SAMSIES!

The Science of fucking Same. Ask a waiter what’s good on the menu. Have you met him before seven seconds ago? Didn’t think so. He may love the taste of oysters covered in Dr. Pepper, both of which make you gag — as they should. So is taking a dinner recommendation from Johnny’s waiter cousin a good idea? I mean he hasn’t even gotten around to reading Johnny’s favorite book (R.I.P.).

I think I can leave you with what may have been the biggest fashion disaster of the century. Perhaps of all centuries combined since the beginning of goddamn time: CROCS. They’re not attractive. Not even a little bit. They’re rubber shoes which were clearly designed to be worn solely by prison inmates, inpatients admitted against their own will, and hobos. But one asshole claimed to love them and someone else was too lazy to put their normal-shoe-wearing-foot down and say no, this is where we draw the line. You can like anything else but this. ANYTHING. For the sake of humanity. NO.