You can learn a lot about not giving a fuck from old people.
They may be slower than you, they may need you to speak louder but do they really? Or are they just fucking around because they legitimately don’t want to listen to you talk about yourself. I mean think about it, do you want to hear a long synopsis of a movie you have no interest in seeing or listen to some young hipster tell you how great camping is and how hot beards are? Didn’t think so.
Old people have a built-in out. “What? I can’t hear you!” can perhaps better be described as “I don’t give a fuck.”
They don’t give a fuck about who you know or how fucking well connected you are. Skip the goddamn name dropping cause Grandpa don’t care. How often do you hear him blabbing on about his famous friends? Not real often, probably because half of them are dead. But on the off chance they do dabble in some name dropping it’s going to be some random dude who used to work at the local gas station and they’ll know not only their first and last name but everything that happened to that person for a given amount of time.
“Oh that Gary Sorgenson. He sure helped me with a gas can that one day. I knew he had a lot going on with the pregnant prostitute and trying to keep it from his wife but he took the time to get me a full gas can for my Caddy….”
You get the idea.
What are some other unique un-fuck-giving qualities of an old person? Well I’ll tell you:
Their things are much nicer than yours and telling them otherwise just makes you look like a real a-hole. Ikea? Bitch, please.
Try passing that decorative Malm set onto your kids. They’ll laugh at you while loading that piece of garbage onto the curb and simultaneously publishing their craigslist “curb alert” ad.
Old people also haven’t heard of whatever thing you’re going to ask them they’ve heard of. And if they have they don’t really care about it. So, STOP ASKING. Classic dramatization:
You: “Have you heard of [insert dumb shit you’re into here]?”
Old person: “No.”
You: “Why not? You totally should–”
Old person: “I’m old and don’t give a fuck about your goddamn bullshit.”
They may not be as into Gossip Girl as you trust the collective would is, but they are much more tech savvy that you think. Give an old guy an iPad and guess what? He’s got a repetitive stress injury faster than you can say “old person with repetitive stress injury.” They’ll even tell you “hand me some fucking hand-sanitizer so that I can get this bothersome newsprint off my fingertips cause the good stuff is on the internet!”
Keep in mind, kids, this also means your G-Pa is creepin’ on those tequila shot and slutty halloween costume photos of you all over social media. Next thing you know he’ll be tweeting you to cover up your ass already, whore.
Maybe my favorite thing about old people is that they have great poker face. Tell a shocking story to an old person. I dare you. At the end you’ll be asking yourself these questions in varying order of importance:
- Are you listening?
- Are you judging me?
- Are you listing and judging me?
- Did you hear me?
- Why am I such an asshole? Of course you heard me. Why am I such a douche living a shallow garbage life? Why? WHY?
They know that your young, wrinkle-free skin won’t last forever. And they realize that you’re a hot brunette without a speck of grey hair but guess what? Not for fucking ever. Before you know it you’ll have crows-feet and greys popping up on your scalp. Then you’ll notice a grey chest hair (hopefully in this case you also happen to be a man, but perhaps not). Then, of course, the worst: grey pubes. Old people have been there and inside they’re all just laughing at your youthful naivete´.
I’m telling you, OLD PEOPLE.
