I’m going against my own beliefs about keeping politics off social media here but since it’s for the good of the country, I’m giving myself a pass.

I am the first to say, I hate politics. Like really fucking hate politics. And I don’t know shit about them. Because they are boring as fuck. My reaction toward a political discussion is not dissimilar to that of one about football or going to museums: my eyes glaze over and my mouth goes dry and I instantly want to eat candy and take a nap.

So I choose not to pay attention to the shit. I don’t give a fuck about who is bashing who for whatever ridiculous scandal they’ve concocted. I simply really don’t care.

I really really really don’t care.

Except right now: somehow I fucking care.

So I started in on some research. As you will see, this research took time. Fucking time. It was fucking extensive. At least one quarter of one half hour of my life is gone. But with a team of hard-working and dedicated experts (Google images) we persevered. The result of said research not only includes a very messy desktop of photos of animals and politicians but what will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the greatest scientific conclusions of all time:

There are many animals more qualified to run the country than Donald Trump.

Let’s begin:

The Pot Belly Pig.

Now I know what you’re thinking: a pot belly pig? Seriously? Are those still even a thing? Oh fuck yeah they are. And they’re smart and social and play well with others, unlike, ahem, SOMEONE I know. But it doesn’t end there. PBP’s got all kinds of great shit going for them: they’re extremely clean, they snort a lot and have a pretty long life span. Nevermind that the resemblance is unfuckingcanny.

The Fox.

Um, hello, Robinhood? Of course he’d make an epic president. He’s smart as shit and so fucking chivalrous that even Obama can hardly keep up. Who doesn’t feel fucking protected by an adorable feline-esque canine who knows his fucking way around a bow and arrow? I know I do.

The Seagull.

Aka: The Parkinglotgull. This bird is one trashy motherfucker. And opportunistic as fuck. No sea around? No problem. We got a fucking Kmart in a bad part of town and that parking lot is full of fucking treasures. It’s quite entrepreneurial when you think about it.

The Armadillo.

Oh, whoops, I forgot that one can only do two terms as president. My bad. No exceptions. Not even for a pointy-faced, hard-shelled Texan.

The Llama.

Don’t let those ridiculously adorable long ass necks and soft fluffy versatile fur fool you, the llama is a tough fucker. It can carry up to 30% of its body weight for several miles. And it’s got like a bunch of stomachs. Don’t piss off a llama; the last thing you want is fucking ruminated cud in your goddamn eye.

The Baboon. 

Not unlike the seagull, this fella is a real garbage whore. And a shady one at that. That aside, any animal willing to show off their shiny red ass in public has my fucking vote. I mean if that doesn’t show a charming level of vulnerability that anyone can relate to then I don’t know what does.

Whatever the fuck The Hyrax is.

Seriously, what is this thing? Whatever it is I’ll take it over that epic douche.

The Dingo.

Last but certainly not least: The Epic Dingo. Fun fact about Dingoes: Their packs have a dominant male and female who are the pack’s breeders. When the pups are born the entire pack helps care for them. It’s a delightfully happy image for a wild dog. By my complicated calculations this is 100% the opposite of mocking one of your peers for a physical disability. So go ahead, Dingo, eat that fucker alive.