Ahhh, remember the old days when Facebook was new-ish, Myspace was finally dying off and you were starting to see faces of people you’d gone to high school and college with on the internet? You’d log on and think “Oh cool, I remember him, he was a good dude, let’s be internet friends” or “Sweet, I can friend my whole family and never have to actually see them” or “Man that bitch looks like hell and she was a real crotch in high school, I win.”
Remember that good old fashioned fun?
Barely.
Nowadays it’s all politics, politics, politics. I mean Jesus Christ.
Look, I know you have fucking opinions about Candidate X*, some of which I likely even agree with, but FUCK. Keep that shit to yourself. (*Note: “Candidate X” will be used throughout this post wherever I didn’t bother to learn a politician’s name, which is often.)
Do we all need a reminder what social media was designed for: stupid grainy selfies of four chicks who all look just like one another slutted up for a night out drinking and photos of your bare feet propped up on a stupid idyllic beach while holding a fucking Corona Light on spring vacay. I mean come on. Let’s get back to our roots.
I think I can safely say we’d all rather see a goddamn photo of the salmon and green beans you’re so proud of and are about to hoover down over hearing about any political stance. I really really really REALLY don’t want to read about if you’re #feelingthebern or #humpinghillary or whatever terrible run-together-word hashtag America has decided it needs this week. I only joined Facebook and Instagram in the first place to hate like your ambush of baby photos, see what stupid middle aged rock show my friends are “interested in attending nearby later”, and share epic picstitches of my gal pals looking like Grumpy Cat.
Sure we all enjoy a good photoshopped pic of Hillary donning Trump’s haircut and a ridiculous meme about how Candidate X is a heartless dickbag who hates puppies and kittens and wants poor children to stand outside in the cold all winter without a coat but for the love of god, STOP ALREADY.
I’d just as soon it were Superbowl season all the time so I could at least enjoy my superficial feelings of superiority fueled by the fact that I have real hobbies outside which do not involve watching overpaid men smash their helmeted heads together and jump into piles on television. But that’s another post all together….
Because at the end of the day here’s the thing about politics: it’s not that I don’t care. I do care, just not very much. Sure I have opinions but posting them all over the fucking internet for the guy I only kind of know from that one time we took a spin class together to read doesn’t actually accomplish a goddamn thing. I mean aside from categorizing me as a boring and overly serious internetter and that’s not what this shit is for.
So are you not going to vote? OH MY GOD. You’re an awful person. America’s going to hell in a handbasket because of YOU!
Fuck yeah, I’ll vote. I’ll vote the shit out of that ballot. Everyone fucking votes. I know that because everyone gets a fucking I VOTED sticker and posts a goddamn selfie of it on the internet the way nature intended it to be.
So please, please, please, before you post your next political rant consider this: you’re not the only person in the world and you’re not changing anyone’s mind through a social media platform designed to simplify stalking your exboyfriend’s new wife, showing off your adorable yet annoying dog, and bragging about your marathon time.
After all, it’s not called political media now is it?
