Do you love mornings? 

-Absolutely not.

Why is your blog called “The Morning Laboratory” then?

-Although I am likely to make a fool of myself or fuck shit up royally at any point in the day, the morning increases the chances of doing so exponentially. Thus, it only seemed suiting to call my laboratory after the worst possible part of the day.

Why do you mess up so much shit? 

-For you, I do it all for you.

What’s your dog’s name? 

-Derby

What kind of dog is Derby?

-An Australian Cattle Dog (aka, Red Heeler)

What are Derby’s favorite things to do?

-Okay, this is bordering on stalking now. Please take your beastiality elsewhere. (Check out the Quick Tips page for beastiality spelling errors and what do about them.)

Okay fine, well then what kinds of things do you like to do? 

-Check out my About Me page to find out.

Why do you swear so much?

-That’s a dumb fucking question.

Were you really a funeral director?

-Yes, I was a funeral director. I am still licensed but now in recovery.

Did you, like, pick up dead bodies and embalm them?

-Yes, that’s what funeral directors do. You’re a real genius.

Was it scary?

-Dead people are much less frightening than live ones: they don’t talk back, they just lay there. So no, it was not scary.

Why did you give it up?

-You’ve obviously never seen the inside of a dead person’s mouth or worn a stomach purge covered dress shirt.

Is it true that some dead bodies get erections?

-Do you even know how a penis works?

Is it too early for a drink?

No.

What do you do now?

You’re lookin’ at it.