As you may or may not know I love to troll Pinterest for projects and ideas all of which I am bound to be terrible at and/or only complete halfway.

Why can’t you finish anything?

Why would I? There are naps to be taken and rooms not to clean and the internet’s not going to search itself. That’s why.

I decided to embark on one of such projects: DIY skincare. I’m a real lucky one with my skin. And by that I mean it’s awesome. Like new acquaintances comment on it without prompting kind of awesome. No complaints here (for once). But lately it’s been a touch, well, meh. Just a bit drab. So I decided to try to liven it up using coffee grounds and coconut oil.

Oh my goddddd. You didn’t. That’s so grossssss. Why would you do that? Coffee? ON YOUR FACE?

Well when you think about it, coffee wakes me up, keeps me going, and when I want to kill someone but instead leave the situation and spend $4.50 on something that I can only drink, not even eat, I magically feel better. TAFUCKINGDA!!! So why not put it on my face.

There are projects and recipes and things like this all over the internet all of which I looked at for like 3 seconds before just trying it. Here’s the recipe I used:

Ingredients:

• Coconut oil
• Coffee grounds (previously run through a pot this morning)
• Sugar (which I didn’t even have so omitted one of the three ingredients from the recipe entirely)

How much of each did you use?

I have no idea. I didn’t measure anything. I did, however, look at some pictures and make a mixture that semi-resembled the ones on the internet:

You stirred it with a fork?

Yes, yes I did. Careful, I get stabby.

It should also be noted that this looks almost exactly like Oreo ice cream cake from Dairy Queen — which I find oddly delicious even though I don’t like cake or ice cream.

You don’t like cake or ice cream?

Oh my god. Not what we’re discussing right now.

Basically at this point you get to slathering. On your face. And eventually your bathroom sink will look like it’s covered in a dead person’s stomach purge. Depending on your work background you may or may not have a few moments of PTSD:

This is when I was so glad no one was home but half wished someone had been there to see the shitshow that was taking place all over the bathroom.

What’s stomach purge?

You ask the most annoying questions.

Here’s the thing about coconut oil: it melts like real fast upon contact with your skin so as soon as you put that shit all over your face and try to have a drink it drips fucking everywhere. Down you neck, onto your chest, onto the floor, you get the idea:

Wait was this at night or during the day? Also, you did a shitty job of getting your hair out of the way. 

A) None of your goddamn business. B) I’m not even going to respond to that.

Then when you drop something on the floor this happens:

Okay wait, how drunk are you right now? 

Not very.

THE OUTCOME: My skin is super soft as is the sink, the shower, portions of the tile floor, the inside of the dog’s mouth, and the screen of my iPhone. Basically I feel like I covered myself in personal lubricant then rolled in sand then took a shower after day drinking. None of which is really too far from the truth.

Should I try it? 

If you’re a messy person who’s bad at doing things then NO. Do not attempt. You should instead just sit still and look pretty and pay people to do things for you.

If you’re a clean and tidy person who’s good at things then SURE, give it a go. You’ll probably end up with the most radiant skin ever, a new Etsy shop, and your own TV show. Also, you can also suck it.