I mean I’m spot on though, right? The holidays are the best time to be a total fucking bitch to everyone around you. It’s just. so. easy. Some may call these “excuses” and to you I say suck it. REASONS. Not excuses, reasons. Plain and simple.

Reason #1 it’s such a wonderful time of year to be a complete and total bitch: It’s fucking winter. 

But this winter hasn’t even been that bad!

Oh my god I hate you. No it hasn’t been that bad but you know what it’s not? Fucking summer. Cause you know what’s so great about summer? It’s not fucking winter. There’s actual daylight for more than 4 hours a day and during said daylight the sun actually shines for longer than 7 minute intervals.

But fall was so nice!

Seriously. No. I’m so sick of hearing you fuckers rave and rave and rave about your beloved autumn for months and months and months on end. “Oh the leaves! Oh the colors! Oh the apples!” GAWD.

Jesus, sounds like someone needs a happy light for their SAD.

OH GREAT. WHY DON’T YOU GO AHEAD AND BUY ME ONE FOR FUCKING CHRISTMAS?

Reason #2 bitchiness is not only inevitable but necessary this time of year: Unless you’re independently wealthy goddamn Christmas and all its extra special gift giving puts a financial strain on you.

But don’t you love buying gifts for your loved ones?

MY WHAT? WHO? NO.

You know what I want for Christmas? Free fucking mortgage and my credit card balance paid off. You know what I don’t want for Christmas? To buy presents that aren’t for me. I worked for this money now I’m going to spend it on myself….and my car payment. GLAMOROUS. I mean as much as I love being reminded of all the things I either can’t afford, will never have, probably don’t need in the first place and clearly don’t deserve, I think I’ll pass.

Reason #3 to fly your bitch flag at the holidays: All the good parking spots are taken up by consumers.

For the love of the baby fucking Jesus whose birthday you’re so incredibly into celebrating GO HOME.

You only know that because you’re shopping too. 

Uh, no. I just came to Target for cat litter and nail polish remover (sexy) and I can’t find a spot to save my life. Also, it’s cold as shit outside and I only wore a hoodie cause I’m a stupid girl who ignores reasonable advice. I realize the latter is not your fault but I’m blaming you cause it’s bitch season.

Reason #4 bitchiness is so heavily exacerbated: Everyone keeps trying to get you to do things outside of your hibernation hole (aka: your tiny home office that’s covered in cat fur). Including but not limited to: eating and drinking and being all fucking merry when all I want to do is nibble on gluten free white girl crackers and sip (guzzle) California Sav Blanc while blogging about how completely and utterly un-merry I am.

Gosh, you’re a real treat. 

Speaking of treats, if you bring me a treat that’s anything less than another bottle of stainless steel Chard I’m punching you in the throat.

Reason #4.5 while we’re on the topic of bitchy vs. merry: You just got invited to another Ugly Sweater Party.

I love ugly sweater parties!

Of course you do. I however do not. On the rare occasion I’m actually going to go to a party I’m going to get dressed up and look fucking hot. When you’re this big of a bitch you can’t show up in some polyester blend. Blech. No. It’s itchy and disgusting and used and why waste a perfectly good night out looking un-hot. 

Reason #5 bitch season is in full swing: You’re not the only one being a big fucking bitch. Hence you have to deal with all the other cranky poor assholes who are scurrying about from store to store trying to parallel park in spots that are six times as big as they need but still failing. Not that I’m thinking of anyone specific. Okay if you drive a white Range Rover there’s a good chance this is aimed directly at you.

Hey now, I’m good at parallel parking. 

Just keep telling yourself that.

Wow, I guess it really is bitch season. 

NAMASTE.