I think we’re all ready to take a few moments and acknowledge the especially important things in life for which we are so thankful. Shall we?
Category: Messed Up Shit
One Time I Went Wine Tasting at 10 in the Morning….In Africa
I was recently asked, by my mom, about proper wine tasting etiquette because she’s going to attend some such event in the near future. I believe her words were “do I need to use words like ‘bouquet’ or will ‘blech’ suffice?”
If you’re now pausing because you clearly understand me better based on that statement then well done.
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Really Annoying Shit People Love to Talk About
Let’s cut to the chase here. People love to talk about annoying shit. You and myself included. Please keep in mind these are in no particular order of annoying-ness. Shall we:
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Poopfest: One Time I Had E.coli
I’ve been sick off and on for the past couple weeks with some sort of gross, mouth-breathing cold-like virus so while I whine about it, it seemed a good time to put things in perspective and be glad I don’t have E.coli…..Again.
No really, it’s true. I had E.coli. And if I could go back in time I’d ask Chef Poopyfingers to please wash his fucking hands after itching his sweaty shit covered balls. But I can’t.
Unnecessary Shit I Would Do If I Was Independently Wealthy
I think the title of this one speaks for itself so let’s jump right on in (keep in mind we’re talking small-ish here; think the sad, very attainable dreams of a girl who’s been living paycheck to paycheck forfuckingever):
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Girls + Fall = Bitch, Please
I think we can all agree there’s nothing more entertaining than making fun of the female species’ collective love of fall. I think we can also agree that it is my duty to the world to post about it.
Here’s the thing about girls: they’re romantic ding dongs who love clothing and puppies and oversharing thoughts that could easily remain in their heads and gel manicures and shiny stuff or matte finishes, depending on the trend, and thinking they’re independent until something needs fixing or is heavy and acting overly surprised and excited when they bump into each other somewhere unexpected.
And fall. Girls love fucking fall. But what they actually love more than fall is TALKING INCESSANTLY ABOUT THEIR INSATIABLE LOVE FOR FALL.
Let’s break this shit down:
The Crotch of Luxury
I was recently prompted to put some of my life goals in writing. Truth be told, I thought I’d hate doing it. That kind of thing gets me all stressed out and overly analytical and makes me scared I’ll never make anything of my life and will die a lonely death underneath a pile of newspapers and cats and credit card debt.
What’s Wrong with Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
To be clear, I don’t mean “What’s wrong with the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?”
No, I mean I’m going to tell you the multitude of things that are wrong with hands down the creepiest movie ever made.
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Email: The Most Annoying Technological Development to Date
Once long ago in a land far far away emails didn’t exist.
It was called the 90s.
And it was amazing.
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Several Reasons Why Not to Date Your Neighbors
This may seem like an easy one to figure out and to avoid. You’d be surprised, though, how often it happens. To me.
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