Ever since cohabitating with someone recently (my husband, 8 years ago), I’ve noticed a trend in tasks around the house. Specifically who does what to keep that shit working smoothly. Hence: Boy Jobs, Girl Jobs.

Yes, I realize that 8 years is a long time to notice something that occurs oftentimes daily. Perhaps “being observant” isn’t a girl job. Did you ever think of that?

I mean there’s your basic shit like putting air in the tires of your car and changing a light bulb (boy job) or washing the sheets and walking the dog (girl job) but it goes much much deeper than that.

You may ask: whose job is it to, say, vacuum? That seems gender neutral.

Well technically this falls under girl job but let me share a little fucking secret with you: if you half-ass the fuck out of it, the job gets handed off. Presto! Your lack of both attention to detail and general overall effort worked in your favor once again. Well done.

You may also be wondering: what if I’m in a same sex relationship? How do we divvy up the work then?

Here’s the thing: figure that shit out. It’s all the same. Boys, girls, whatever. We’re all just a bunch of big selfish babies so split that shit up as it seems natural. You’ll be able to tell who should own what. And if you can’t you’ll end up living in a rodent-filled garbage hovel and questioning if this is really the person you should spend the rest of your fucking life with. Let the housework do the talking. That shit won’t lie.

What about kids? Shouldn’t they do some of the work? To teach them solid work habits?

I don’t give a fuck about your child but when it comes to housework a kid’s a whole other story. Once that fucker gets old enough to push a goddamn lawn mower and tall enough to reach the top shelf in the kitchen you are home fucking free. They’re yours, use ’em. You birthed that fucker now you basically have a slave. Boy or girl, I don’t care. Put that little shit to work and sit back with a cool glass of chardonnay. It’s 2pm. You’ve earned it.

To make things easier on everyone I’ve compiled a list to get you started organizing the work around your home:*

*Keep in mind these are specific to my household and my household runs like a well-oiled machine covered in fur and flip flops and laundry and dishes that no one has time to vacuum or pick up or fold or load into the dishwasher a mere 3 feet away. Like I said, well oiled machine. (For more on the topic, read about the Crotch of Luxury in which I live.)

I know what you’re thinking: What about feminism and equality and suffrage and all that other garbage. Look, I know you want to be an “independent woman” but do you also want to use a shovel to scrape up the flattened out dead rabbit in your front fucking yard? Didn’t think so. You got the right to vote already so come on. If Jon Hamm insists he screw in a lightbulb for you, you say yes. With your top off. Yes.